“I Just Need A Little More Time”: Working with ADHD Clients in ADR

© 2026 Jenni McBride McNamara, LMFT

Imagine trying to get divorced and there’s a squirrel running all around the house, hiding papers, dirtying dishes, unfolding clothes, and flipping between crying and raging.

That squirrel is your ADHD client.

Now also imagine that the squirrel has been told to climb a tree and make a new nest for themselves, but the squirrel is stuck in the house, messing things up. That is also your ADHD client.

Going through a divorce taxes even the most gifted executive-functioners. So, of course it wreaks havoc with people whose executive function functions more like a squirrel than a spreadsheet.

Enter: All the processes needed to complete a divorce. We tell folks they have to participate in anything from attorney meetings, to mediations, to parenting plan evaluations, to court hearings, to financial assessments, to parenting coordination. None of that is easy. Most of that is exponentially more difficult for the ADHD client.

Here’s what a person needs to be able to do to be able to get divorced:

  1. Set goals
  2. Organize information
  3. Make proposals/counter-proposals
  4. Remember hundreds of details they haven’t had to think about before
  5. Stay on task
  6. Meet deadlines

Of that list, here are the things that are potentially paralyzing for the ADHD client:

  1. All of them

A person with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder exhibits behaviors that, taken as a pattern, shows they have difficulty with some areas of executive functioning. Those areas include: Sustained focus, goal-setting, timeliness, working memory, impulse control, emotional regulation, and self-management.

There are some steps we can take as family law or ADR professionals, or friends of someone getting divorced, and some strategies we can employ to move our processes forward even when a squirrel has eaten the budget and also possibly the password to the retirement account website.

Whether a client is known to have ADHD or is just struggling with the process (like not meeting deadlines, forgetting documents, getting lost in the acorns, etc.), here are some strategies and ideas that can help:

  1. Set small goals during a meeting that can be attained during the meeting. This might mean setting a goal to agree on how after-school pickup happens instead of setting a goal to determine how all transitions will go forevermore. Be very clear with the meeting’s goals early and often. “Today we’re going to figure out how afterschool pickup is going to occur for the rest of the school year, find the value of the 401K, and finalize the holiday schedule.”
  2. If information is missing, have the client find it during the meeting. That might mean they have to go through the process of resetting their password to some financial institution, but if it’s information that a few taps or keystrokes will produce, take a few minutes to have them produce it right then and there. Ultimately, it will save having to schedule another meeting to try (and potentially fail again) to get the information.
  3. Process matters, but outcome matters more. During a proposal/counter-proposal negotiation, clients with ADHD can get bogged down in figuring out a process. They want to know the how, when, and why and can lose sight of the what. For example, if the goal is to create the holiday schedule, an ADHD client may get stuck on how transportation, meals, and gift-giving will work on each holiday and derail the main goal, which is determining whose holiday it actually is. With that person, you may need to wrestle back control of the meeting, assure them you’ll all discuss details later, and get them to the outcome. It’s important to remind the client several times that, yes, the details matter. And you, as the professional, will take responsibility for getting to them later.
  4. Ask about their organization tools. Encourage your ADHD clients to have a dedicated notebook to contain all the data and information for mediation or other meetings. You could even consider giving them one where the papers are not loose and subject to being shoved in with band signups. You can also encourage them to ask a friend or family member to manage their data with and for them. They probably have strategies they use for other parts of their lives. They can and should rely on similar strategies for this.
  5. You’ll need to be the clock-watcher, the data-keeper, and the client-wrangler. Mediation is typically thought of as a client-directed, mediator-facilitated event. With ADHD clients, it may need to be more mediator-directed in order to make sure the tasks (that they ostensibly want to accomplish) actually get accomplished.
  6. Combine deadlines with accountability measures. Have your clients put due dates in their calendars and set reminders while you’re sitting with them. Ask them how they will meet that deadline. “So, you’re going to call HR by Monday to find out about COBRA. Is there anything you need in order to make that call?” Sometimes we don’t understand the barriers the ADHD client has already identified and has decided are too overwhelming. Another important thing you can do is explain how long a task will probably take. It’s easy for an ADHD client to think printing a year of bank statements will take 4 hours. Let them know that it typically takes about 15 minutes.

If you are a friend or family member of a person with ADHD going through a divorce, and you want to help them, here are some thoughts for you:

  1. Set up specific, time-limited dates to help your person find important documents or organize information. “I can be over on Saturday from 2-4 pm” is way better than, “Let me know if you need help with anything”. Babysitting is great, but helping organize the reams of documents might be better.
  2. Loan your organizational skills and apps to them. Set up a notebook, a dropbox, email folders, a password manager, and anything else you know might keep information both accessible and in one spot.
  3. If something needs done and you’re available in that minute and so is your person, do it right then. Putting things off will always feel temporarily better for a person with ADHD (and maybe for you, too), but it will cost them greatly in missed deadlines, extra fees for professionals, and shame.

ADHD clients are used to not feeling very good about how they accomplish these types of executive function activities. However, if they can feel better about what they can get done in session or by meeting easy deadlines, that will make the ADR process go better and smoother for everyone. And, they can more quickly get to the business of building that new “nest” for themselves.

Jenni McBride McNamara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Parenting Coordinator/Consultant, and Coparenting Coach at TouchingTrees Counseling in Minnesota. She is the developer of the video course High Conflict Relationships: Rescue, Recovery, and Restoration for individuals and a training course for therapists who work with family-court involved families.