Recognizing True and False Allegations of Abuse

High conflict situations—whether in families, at work, in communities, or courts—are increasingly common today and usually involve allegations of abusive behavior. When this behavior is private, it can be quite hard to figure out. Often people who are abusive deny it or try to justify it because of the other person’s prior abusive behavior or say that the other person (their victim/survivor) is lying about being abused. On the other hand, there are those who make false allegations of abuse. The reality is that true and false situations often look the same on the surface. How can you figure this out? How do you decide whether and who to help, whether it’s a family member, colleague or client?

It often helps to analyze what the patterns of behavior are for each person and what the details of the alleged abusive behavior are. In this article I describe some factors to consider while also keeping an open mind, whether you are someone being abused, someone being falsely accused, someone asked to take sides, an investigator, or simply a bystander.

Personality Patterns of Behavior

Abusive behavior tends to include violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, stealing, creating a hostile work environment, spreading false rumors, turning children against a parent, and so forth. Most people rarely engage in abusive behavior, but a small percentage of people have high conflict personalities which are often associated with abusive behavior. They tend to be preoccupied with blaming others, have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking, often have unmanaged emotions, and sometimes engage in negative behavior that 90% of people would never do. They also may have certain personality disorders that are associated with abuse.

For example, research shows that people with antisocial or borderline personality disorders are more likely to commit domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence or IPV). “With respect to the relation between PDs and aggression, a systematic review examining the relationship between PDs and violent behavior found ASPD and BPD diagnoses to be predictive of violence.” However, the researchers cautioned that a significant percentage, possibly the majority, seem not to be violent. “Not everyone who carries an ASPD or BPD diagnosis is necessarily violent.” (Collison and Lynam, 2021, 1)

While this study didn’t give specific reasons ASPD was the most likely to commit IPV, the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals (DSM-5-TR) points out: “Individuals with antisocial personality disorder tend to be irritable and aggressive and may repeatedly get into physical fights or commit acts of physical assault (including spousal beating or child beating)…. These individuals also display a reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others.” (APA, 2022, 749)

In explaining why perpetrators with BPD were “more likely to commit seriously violent and aggressive acts of IPV,” the researchers found that their “emotional processing biases (such as interpreting a partner’s ambiguous facial expression in an overly negative manner), anxious attachment, and interactional alcohol and drug use served to increase risk of both severity and frequency of IPV perpetration.” (Collison and Lynam, 2021, 3-4)

On the other hand, people with some personality disorders have been found to make false statements more often than the average person. One group of researchers “identified five personality disorders in which lying is a frequent occurrence…. We were not indicating that lying does not occur with other personality disorders or in the absence of personality disorders; rather, we were able to identify deception as a predominant characteristic behavior for these five personalities.” The five personality disorders they listed are antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, and obsessive-compulsive. (Ford, 1996, 1-4) Once again, not everyone with these disorders is necessarily a liar, but for some it is a more frequent occurrence.

Understanding that these personalities have a tendency to be abusive and to make false statements suggests that recognizing their patterns of behavior may be helpful in sorting out who is being abusive and who is lying. If someone has a history of being physically or emotionally abusive, then they may be more likely to have been abusive in a recent event. Likewise, if someone has a history of making false statements and allegations of abuse, then they may be more likely to have made a false statement about a recent event. While this does not answer the question of what actually happened in a recent event, it does help you look for signs of whether what occurred fits the patterns of behavior of one person rather than the other.

Avoiding Confirmation Bias

When someone is accused of abusive behavior, it is important to avoid “confirmation bias.” This occurs when someone assumes that they know “who is to blame” before looking into alternative theories of the situation, in which case you will confirm your assumption to yourself and often be wrong. One way to avoid confirmation bias is to always have Three Theories of the Case: 1) The allegation of abuse is true and the perpetrator is acting badly; 2) the allegation of abuse is false and the accuser is acting badly; or 3) both are acting badly. To be accurate, an observer should consider all three theories with equal objectivity and thoroughness.

Details of the Alleged Abusive Behavior

With an open mind, combined with knowledge of common personality patterns of abuse and false allegations of abuse, a person can ask a lot of useful questions and search for a lot of useful details. For example, suppose that someone tells you that their divorcing spouse yelled at them “you will never see the children again” and punched them in the face. Now they are in court disputing who should have primary custody of the children, and they want your help. Whether you are a bystander, family member, professional, investigator, or decision-maker, can you keep an open mind about what you think happened? Many people reading this may already have a presumption (a man wouldn’t say such a thing; a woman wouldn’t punch a man in the face; they probably are both acting badly). Well, you shouldn’t have a presumption because these are all possibilities that have occurred in real cases.

What types of questions to ask? First of all, open-ended questions are the most productive. Can you describe in detail what happened? What were the circumstances prior to the alleged abusive behavior? What was said by each person? Was anyone else present? Was there an event coming up that would trigger a strong response or a false statement? Who benefits from this allegation? Who is intimidated by the other? Who is usually aggressive in the relationship? Who makes the big decisions? Is there a history of abusive behavior or false statements? Who is eager to tell the world how awful the other person is? Who is shy about discussing what has happened to them? Who tends to follow doctor’s orders or court orders? Who asks you for help and advice? Who demands that you take the actions that they want and has no interest in your advice?

No one answer to such questions will make it clear what happened. But a pattern may emerge which helps in asking more questions.

Personality-Based Questions

Does the alleged abuser have a pattern of abusive behavior in order to (and, if so, ask for examples):

dominate and humiliate the other (common to antisocial personalities)
put the other down to make themselves look superior (possible narcissist)
keep the other person close out of fear of abandonment (possible borderline)
get attention and create uproar among others (possible histrionic)
control every aspect of the other’s life (possible obsessive-compulsive)

Does the accuser have a pattern of making false allegations in order to (and, if so, ask for examples):

dominate and humiliate the other (common to antisocial personalities)
put the other down to make themselves look superior (possible narcissist)
keep the other person close out of fear of abandonment (possible borderline)
get attention and create uproar among others (possible histrionic)
control every aspect of the other’s life (possible obsessive-compulsive)

As you get specific answers to some of these questions, you can go deeper based on familiar patterns of behavior. For example, someone with a pattern of domestic violence and a borderline personality style (whether or not they have the disorder) is likely to have a history of trying to keep their partner close such as by not allowing them to leave the house, taking their phone away, keeping them away from their friends and relatives. If information from several sources include these types of behavior, it may point to their behavior in a recent incident. Asking these types of specific questions can help.

Likewise, someone with a pattern of making false allegations and a borderline personality style (whether or not they have the disorder) is likely to have a history of trying to keep their child close, such as by treating them as younger than their real age, discouraging outside friendships with peers, treating the child as their best friend, having the child regularly sleep with them in their bed. If information from several sources includes these types of behavior, it may point to their behavior in a recent incident. Asking these types of specific questions can help.

Conclusion

The purpose of this article is to expand people’s thinking about allegations of abuse and keeping an open mind as they try to understand what may be occurring. Almost everyone today is faced with the question of whether someone is telling the truth or not about someone else’s behavior. You may get asked to assist such a person in a family matter, a court case, or a job situation. It’s easy to jump to quick conclusions, but the reality is that you may never know for sure—yet important decisions can be made once you have sufficient information. Resist the urge to be super-aggressive in taking sides, as you may become a negative advocate. (See last month’s article “Negative Advocates: How They (We) Become Emotionally Hooked”)

Understanding personality patterns may help in understanding what is going on and in protecting people who are abused and protecting people who have been falsely accused. Keep in mind that one answer is usually not conclusive, but that patterns often do emerge.

When serious allegations are made, it is important to talk with experienced professionals before jumping to conclusions or even asking the questions described in this article. For example, divorced parents should not interrogate their children if they suspect abuse—they should alert an expert to do this, otherwise it taints their statements. There are people who are experts at interviewing and investigating allegations of abuse with objectivity and training. It makes their work harder if amateur sleuths have already influenced the people involved be asking them too many questions, especially leading questions that imply the “correct” answer. If you have to make decisions about whether and how to be involved in such a situation, just remember to keep an open mind and don’t assume that you know more than you do. Get consultation from a therapist, lawyer, or other professional who has experience in objectively assessing these matters.

References:

American Psychiatric Association (APA): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2022. (DSM-5-TR)

Collison, Katherine L. and Donald R. Lynam, “Personality Disorders as Predictors of Intimate Partner Violence: A Meta-analysis,” Clinical Psychology Review 88 (2021).

Ford, Charles V., Lies! Lies! Lies! The Psychology of Deceit. American Psychiatric Press, 1996.

BILL EDDY, LCSW, Esq. is a family lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the Director of Innovation with the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He trains professionals worldwide about high conflict personalities and situations, presenting in over 35 states and 13 countries. He is the author of twenty books and manuals, including 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life; and Our New World of Adult Bullies. He writes a blog for PsychologyToday.com with over 6 million views. He is on the Advisory Board of the Divorce Coalition and co-host of the podcast, It’s All Your Fault! with Megan Hunter, MBA. His website is www.HighConflictInstitute.com.